Head is about to explode. I have not seen you properly in 22 days. I never thought something like that would happen. We were supposed to take every step together. The good and the bad. This distance slowly killing me. Draining me. Torturing me. Making my dreams crush that I do not dream anymore. I lie still on the bed. Motionless. My heart is getting heavy and most times I just cannot breathe. I thought I could handle this. I thought I am strong. I thought I have planned everything. But I am no God and I am not sure wheather God exists anymore. Everything is a big mess now. I have made your life miserable. I have hurt you. I feel terrible every second.
Another evening approches. Without you here I am. Sitting in one of two chairs I have. The only sound I hear is the vehicles from outside. Most of the time I cry and wonder what have I done. I should have lived with you right. I used to be your shadow. All the time around you but now I don’t even have my own shadow. Just an unhappy,lonely soul. I am sad beyond words. Nothing excites me. I am in a new country. I should be happy and hopeful. But I am depressed. Life really sucks. Without you,nothing matters.
I want to live a very humble life. And I want to share it with you. Having a long distance relationship is my nightmare because you know me. I want you within my sight, at all times. I am not happy here but I want to see a life with you. You are in a low place and so am I. When you shout and hang up, I feel like killing myself. But I have made a promise to you. To make your dreams come true. You might say I can preach whatever I want but honestly now the hardest part is over. Will you have some faith in me, please I beg you. On my knees.
In a low place now. You would not understand.
Living I used to be. Now I simply exist and its disheartening. I eat and sleep. The enthusiasm to go forward is gone now. I feel I am of no use. With no one to lift my spirit up I am stuck. How different two countries can treat you. I have left the warmth and love and care of all the people. Now I stare at the ceiling and think. What is becoming of me. It’s a new dawn but I am the same frustrated soul. I am stuck although the road is clear.
You might be thinking what the hell is wrong with life, now that I am away you might be thinking what is the meaning of life. I am here and you are there and we are oceans apart. True. I do not have a better argument for what you are saying because it is true. I am sick to the core of being alone in a cold country and I should have stayed. That I thought in first two three days. But baby, if both of us are there, how are we to make our dreams come true. How are we to be together. How? Now that I am here I think there is a better chance than before. Don’t you agree?
I know it sucks to be with people we hate to be but I don’t think life would be that bad for us. Life has its own pace and we just have to be positive and open our eyes wide to the opportunities. Have faith my love. Life would not disappoint us.
Day by day even when I think I am ok or going to be, I fall more than before. I fall hard and my heart is heavy. I am an insomniac. A confused one between time zones. One who wakes up when I am supposed to sleep. A life which sucks. I didn’t leave you for a better one but I left you temperorily and I am cursed for that. It is true we have shouted at each other but that’s not out of malice. I make you angry. I make you crazy. Its my mistake. I should have loved you more. I should have stayed.
Morning and evening when you drive we talk. I used to look into your eyes and you used to touch my feet from your feet, underneath the table. It was fun and romantic. We were under the scrutiny of many eyes. But we always managed to steal a kiss. But I was selfish to come here, leaving you. May be I am going crazy. May be I am a sadist. I know how hurt you are. I know how much pain you must be going through. Living long distance and being in love is the worst that could happen to a couple. I trust myself and I trust you, although you see beautiful girls around you and tell me but I think if we have true love by our side, we should not take it for granted. I love you and you love me too. We should not waste our time being away from the other, I think. Life sucks without you. You are my life…