I think the last day you actually cared about me was the day after I landed which was the day I was finally able to call you. I felt love in your voice. That was the end of it. You slowly killed your love and started enjoying my suffering. It does not matter if I am run over by a vehicle or if I slip and broke my neck or if I cry til my eyes pop out. You have closed your heart to me. Nothing matters. Not my pain or my tears. Not my poetry or my emotions. You have shut all doors and windows and kicked me out. I keep trying to break in. But I have lost a lot of blood. I am still fighting. I am still trying. I am very tired of many sleepless nights. I have become a creature of night.
You don’t call me in mornings now. I rush home from wherever I am to talk to you. It is 14c but freezing outside with such winds.
I should have freezed to death.
It is the second day you missed. People say it is the one who left the country that would change,usually. In this case, you can see who it is.
I could not sleep yesterday. Its been 44 days and here I am, without a job or you. Would you believe I still cry remembering you? Even now I am. I feel old. What if I die here? You would not even know. You would think that I have changed. You would be so sad. But my soul would be floating in the air, searching you. It is a scary feeling. Here I am, sitting in one of two chairs I have, crying. It aches so much. I pray God and always ask for a miracle. But either he wants to punish me or he is testing my patience or its just bad karma. Or everything together. It is such a pain. I do not wish it for my worst enemy even. I miss you so terribly. This is really love. I am so much in love with you. So much. I want to come to where you sleep with the wind, kiss your forehead and ruffle your hair softly and hold you to my heart. I miss your touch. I miss your love. I miss your mood swings. I miss doing things for you. I miss making you happy. I miss your smile. I miss you, from head to toes. It is such a terrible feeling. It makes me cry every single second. I feel crazy.
I am very serious. Headstrong. If I want something, I want something. Even the outcome is stupid. For example I wanted to get away. Run away as fast as I can. From everything I know. Everyone who loves me or hate. And now I am here. Lonely and looking at the sun set on my own. Shopping for groceries on my own. Job hunting on my own. Cooking on my own. It sucks. I had no proper plan. And it is bad. It is bad for you. It is so much bad for me. I had suicidal thoughts. I wanted to go back. But I hated to be a defeatist. I hate to be wrong. I have my pride and my ego to take care of.
It is been 43 days. The worst and most difficult in my life. Everyday I cry. Still do. Because I do not hear any sound. Just the sound of clock ticking and vehicles passing. No wind even. Or rain. Sun shines but he won’t shout. Clouds don’t pass.
I was chatting with a friend today and she Said “West is boring,unlike the colourful East”. It is true. Although how much I like my privacy, my peace of mind, the decency of people here, I miss something. I don’t feel I am alive. I just exist. I choose this and no point of complaining. But I miss home. I miss you all the time. I miss the familiar sounds. They scare me. They made me run to where I am today. But this silence make me lonely.
I waited til the last second so I can be with you. I did not plan or search anything. Just jump into unknown. But that is okay.
Talking to strangers is not my thing because the next time I tell you that you would jump to me. I walk alone, observing everything. I don’t want to ruin your life or mess it up.
I truly love you. Just wanted to remind you that. Not that it matters to anyone. And yet you say you have no one.
Don’t give me false hopes. I have enough heart breaks of my own.
I am lost between my dreams and reality. I cannot sleep most of the time. But I know you won’t care. You are too lazy to be bothered. If I was near you, things would have been ok. I will always give you what you wanted. I should take care of myself. Its only me and myself now.