Today is the 61st day of my isolation. As days passed, I have realized that I am losing my sanity. Yesterday I went to a job interview and I had to walk about 20 minutes and I talked to myself. Honestly I was talking to God, if he is out there. I am in serious doubt about his existence. You must be laughing at me because I was always the believer while you were not much of a believer and see now what has happened?
Usually, God gives me whatever I ask from him. I just have to tell him what is bothering me and when I asked him to sort it out for me, he did.m It was simple as that. And in return, I did various poojas for him and give alms to poor in his name and I thought it was a strong connection that we have.
I am here for 61 days and life sucks. But still I pray God and ask him to get you down but he is not even giving me a sign. I beg, wail, cry and beg again. I explained him how hard it is for me to live my life here, without you. It is that very fact that is important to understand. I can go miles looking for a job, I can not eat for days or cook, I can work til midnight but without you I cannot live.
You know my hair is becoming grey now. There are a lot. My life is not a spring time anymore. It is nearing its autumn. Yes, I am still in my 30’s, of course I just started to be in my 30’s, but day by day I am getting old. I am 31, 32, 33 and soon I will be 34 and then 40. Then?
If you are here, I know you are here and I can sleep peacefully at nights. Since I came here, I did not have a goodnight’s sleep. I sleep in pain. I dream of you most of the time and most dreams shows me my mental status. I am going to be insane. A old insane girl. Is God happy about it?
Why is he doing this to us? Why life cannot be more simple? I have doubts. All these days was I running after an imagination in my mind? Is there NO GOD?
I am beginning to hate him, for the pain he has caused me. He should be saving me, not making my life miserable.
Here I am, sitting in my apartment, looking at the road, it is 5.50pm and people are rushing home. When will I wait till you come from work? When will I be able to cook for you? When can I cuddle you and die in your arms? I am scared. I am very scared.
This life sucks….