My eyes are puffed and having a terrible headache. Reminds me I have a head but it’s too much. Result of early morning crying. Lips are cracked because of extreme weather. Sunny one day, the next minus 30. I have made myself clear about how I live and yet you blame me. Yes, I have left you. Not for someone else and you know I always think of you. But when I say that you accuse me, that I have lied to you, I feel I have cheated on you, when in real life I have never.
I read your letter to me, again and it breaks my heart. I am the monster who tore you. I made you inhuman, am I not? You deserve to be happy, to think of someone whom you can touch and kiss. Who I am, living 10000 miles away from you. A past mistake?
I don’t know what to say or how to explain things to you. I have fucked up my life. I love you, that’s all I know but you hate me, your words kill me every time and I wonder, is this the same person I met almost six years ago?
I wrote poems for you. Almost 3000. Can a person write 3000 poems to someone if they are not in love. It’s up to you to decide. I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. I hardly have any vices but I am the bitch that left you. Guilt overpowers me. I live with that. I hide in my room. I hardly see the sun. I work at night and sleep at days time. When I’m not working I wake up the whole night, like a vampire. I ruined you, I drank all your blood, destroyed your dreams, am I not?
I deserve this pain. I deserve this disrespect. I deserve this anger. I deserve death. But it will not come to me as I please. I will have a slow painful death.
I know I should write to you more often but you make me bloody mad. I know this whole long distance thing get on your nerves but you were supposed to love me forever, if you cannot recall. Love is not a bed of rosy petals and there has to be some sacrifices and patience, without ripping each other’s throats. Think of me, if you really love me. When I cry and wake up with a throbbing pain in my head, you know I have no one to ruffle my hair.
Snow is falling. Slowly. I stared outside the window. It is continuous. I keep looking. Now it falls faster than before. I sit in front of my laptop and listen to the moving vehicles outside. Soon everywhere would be surrounded.
You are like the snow. Slowly you come into my thoughts and soon I think of nothing but you. You are all over me. Sometimes I feel angry with you, for not caring, for not thinking about me. But I cannot hate you. I cannot stop loving you. I may not talk but I would never hate.
I wish you would read me. I am not a difficult read.
You are the whole reason I write. If I did not write, I would already be stuck in some unknown lunatic asylum saying your name. In the first few months, I thought I would, honest to God. Tears came out as I breathe. With every heartbeat I cried. I cried. I cried.
It was pure torture. Just like walking on sizzling hot coal, burning my feet. Have you ever felt like that?
I had to find a distraction. It is either drugs, alcohol or some other form of addiction. I chose something which would not harm myself or you. In short “US”. My fanfiction and reading it to you, wondering whether you liked it, those are my simple pleasures now. Do you know I cried from work to home yesterday? Did you ask how my day was? Did you ask how I was feeling? Why do you always think I am not the person I used to be. You, out of all people. I thought you knew me. Obviously. I want to come home. I am wasting my time, being alone, not thinking of any other but you. Did you at least respect that?
May be you are a narcissist and I did not see that all these years.
I am not going above you and dictating terms in our relationship but you tend to think so. It is 2.40am and I cannot sleep. We fight a lot. Almost everyday. You misunderstand me and I am over possessive. I hate that and you know it well. I want things to be easy but how can it be when you think I use you till I find a bigger and better catch. It disgusts me. You and me, we were together for almost six years now. I had to escape from the suffocation but that did not mean I have failed you. I am not gallivanting with another and I am definitely not enjoying my life here and I am taking one day at a time. I am torn but I will not suicide because if I do that, I will never see you. You hate me almost everyday. AlI can do is wait. Till you become you. Till you come to your senses.
You sent me a story of your life few weeks ago. It was the time you wanted to be away from me. A six paged letter. I could not pass third page. I remember I was in the bus. I was worried about you. You did not wished me properly on my birthday and I was angry with you and sad about us. But the letter triggered my love, which was always there and I was dead worried. I called you. You acted like a cold heart.
Things are better now. You have come to your senses. We had a fight because I brought up the letter. You hanged up in anger. I started reading it again and I am in a pool of tears. I left you. I was selfish and I should have think of you. I wanted my freedom. I was suffocating with pressure from my family. I wanted an escape. But i promised to be with you, till I die. I failed you. I cannot imagine the pain I must have given you. I broke you. I broke your heart and soul. I am a sort of murderer. I know I am.
I just want you. Here, near me. I want to hold you close when I wake up at night. I am awake at unholy hours and I am scared if something happens to me, no one will know. I am on my own now. You had a rough childhood. I knew that. You craved for love. I had a lot to give. Because I was given a lot by my parents, grandmother and two aunts. I knew what love was. I wanted to heal you. I did not know much about your wounds but I wanted to soothe you. I wanted you to feel safe.
I love you. It is not a past-time for me. I do not love you because I want to use you. I love you because I need you in my life. I love you because I can be me around you.
This is part of your letter. You summed up what I felt about you. I have nothing more to add.
“I met you five years ago. I fell for your beautiful face. I was proud to have you. I still am. You filled my heart with love. I know one thing for sure, if you are not with me I will never find peace within. You need a partner for life. Life would be meaningless if you don’t find one. I found you. I am home.”
I know I have not written any letters in months. You started hating me. I could not take it anymore. I lied low. Just trying to shut my memories and constantly wiping my tears. I loved you. I still do. I have this ache in my heart that don’t really go away. I need you. It is not only physical but I need you here. Near me. Where I can see you and feel you.
I want to have you whenever I want. I want to kiss you. I want to do all goofy things with you because you are mine. My baby you are. I need your warmth and love. I need your soul to mingle with mine. I need you,want you. You are my life line.
Always have,always will be.
I love you baby…❤❤❤