My eyes are puffed and having a terrible headache. Reminds me I have a head but it’s too much. Result of early morning crying. Lips are cracked because of extreme weather. Sunny one day, the next minus 30. I have made myself clear about how I live and yet you blame me. Yes, I have left you. Not for someone else and you know I always think of you. But when I say that you accuse me, that I have lied to you, I feel I have cheated on you, when in real life I have never.
I read your letter to me, again and it breaks my heart. I am the monster who tore you. I made you inhuman, am I not? You deserve to be happy, to think of someone whom you can touch and kiss. Who I am, living 10000 miles away from you. A past mistake?
I don’t know what to say or how to explain things to you. I have fucked up my life. I love you, that’s all I know but you hate me, your words kill me every time and I wonder, is this the same person I met almost six years ago?
I wrote poems for you. Almost 3000. Can a person write 3000 poems to someone if they are not in love. It’s up to you to decide. I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. I hardly have any vices but I am the bitch that left you. Guilt overpowers me. I live with that. I hide in my room. I hardly see the sun. I work at night and sleep at days time. When I’m not working I wake up the whole night, like a vampire. I ruined you, I drank all your blood, destroyed your dreams, am I not?
I deserve this pain. I deserve this disrespect. I deserve this anger. I deserve death. But it will not come to me as I please. I will have a slow painful death.
Will you be happy?