Trying to find peace in this desert…

It is more than three months now but I have stopped counting days. I believe that leads to misery. It is snowing outside and today is Thanksgiving. I am alone and I cannot go out because it is too cold. I have lost my job and you are not near to give me solace. I should kill myself right?

NO. I am not going to. I am not going to be defeated or accept defeat. I am proud of you, you know. You were there for me when I don’t know what to do without my job. You explained my follies and my downs and You brought my positivity back on track. Yes, I know. Love can do wonders. There is sun now. Snow is melting slowly but it is still cold. Just like life.

There would be times where no hope is visible. We are lost in a world full of snow, without light but fog and coldness. But sun will come out eventually and we will be warm again. I have no doubt that you would come and warm my soul. I know the uncertainty makes you mad and you are mad with me for talking crap about positive life. I am here, so it is easy for me to preach, right?

It is not easy at all. To uproot from all I know and you I love. It is deadly. But in order to live our lives, I had to do that and I was selfish, yes. I am no Mother Theresa, yes. But my love for you is not fake and I am using every ounce of my energy to speak to the higher being in this world, it might be the universe or some positive energy that allows our dreams to come true.

Please believe in me. I want to play in snow with you. I want you to see what I see and I want to hold your hand and walk in streets with yellowed fallen leaves.

I want to fall in love with you, again and again.

I want to give everything, you ever dreamt of, not money but love and affection.

My soul belongs to you.

 

I love you so very much…

 

~ Dilly ~

10/10/2016

 

 

19th and far…(71 days away)

Today is a 19th. But for you it is 20th. We cannot celebrate our anniversary together even. You know I celebrate every 19th. What is the point of this life really?

~Dilly~

19/09/2016

Day 44…

I could not sleep yesterday. Its been 44 days and here I am, without a job or you. Would you believe I still cry remembering you? Even now I am. I feel old. What if I die here? You would not even know. You would think that I have changed. You would be so sad. But my soul would be floating in the air, searching you. It is a scary feeling. Here I am, sitting in one of two chairs I have, crying. It aches so much. I pray God and always ask for a miracle. But either he wants to punish me or he is testing my patience or its just bad karma. Or everything together. It is such a pain. I do not wish it for my worst enemy even. I miss you so terribly. This is really love. I am so much in love with you. So much. I want to come to where you sleep with the wind, kiss your forehead and ruffle your hair softly and hold you to my heart. I miss your touch. I miss your love. I miss your mood swings. I miss doing things for you. I miss making you happy. I miss your smile. I miss you, from head to toes. It is such a terrible feeling. It makes me cry every single second. I feel crazy.
~Your Dilly~

22/08/2016

This would be the #300.

Loving you is like loving the rain.We have no idea it would be just a drizzle or a it will bring down hail.

Loving you is like loving the sun. The rays can be gentle and sometimes they would make you burn.

Loving you is like loving the wind. It might amount to a hurricane and twist everything around.

You taught me a lot. I never knew there were predetors around but you taught me to be cautious. Even when we are far.

Sometimes I am wondering whether I am living a dream. Anytime I would be awake and then I can run to you. I want to be with you. You might smirk after hearing this. But you know what I meant. I was living a pretty good life. I was driven by the fact that in order to have a secured life I must leave. I was so wrong. Today is 1st and I was here almost a month now. I know what hell is like if there is one. Day by day I am feeling depressed. I am hallucinating. I can’t breathe. I wake up at the middle of the night.

Now it is 1.10pm. I am going to go around with my resume. I want to be happy.

I have no idea when would I smile again.Try to understand me.

Good morning!

I am fine…

I am never going to say how much I miss you. I am never going to say how cold I was or how scared I am. I would never say how much my job sucks or how much I detest people. I would not say I cry when I walk back to the place I live. I would never ask you to understand me because you would not and you would shout at me anyway. I would say I am fine, the job is great, the weather is awesome. It would not be a lie. It is something you would like to hear. I am great. Even now I am. My life in a shell starts now. In this so called land of opportunity I cry every morning, every night and in between. But I am ok. It sucks to be misunderstood.

Nothing matters…

Another evening approches. Without you here I am. Sitting in one of two chairs I have. The only sound I hear is the vehicles from outside. Most of the time I cry and wonder what have I done. I should have lived with you right. I used to be your shadow. All the time around you but now I don’t even have my own shadow. Just an unhappy,lonely soul. I am sad beyond words. Nothing excites me. I am in a new country. I should be happy and hopeful. But I am depressed. Life really sucks. Without you,nothing matters.

~ Dilly ~

26/07/2016