I love you, always have always will…

 

I love you.

You know that.

I know you do too.

So let us not fight who love who the most. I miss you, so much. I know you miss me too, too much. I know you hate me for leaving. I have told you many times, reasons, but they are not good enough. That is why I asked yesterday whether you wanna try not talking again? I know it is a silly question but how many times we need to realize that it is inevitable that we keep falling back in love.

We are not together at the moment and I do not want to live away but can you please have some faith? It is not like I am living my life with another person. I seek you, I love you and I think of only you. These are not just words and you know that. You know me too well. You hated me for months? Were you happy? You were living a zombie life and I was too. Was it a good thing? No. We are in love and you will always end up loving me and I do not even try to be away from you, physically, yes. I am far away from you. It is fucking ridiculous but I want you to know this could work. I am not half the girl I am, if I am not with you.

I love you dammit. Can’t you see it?

 

01/03/2017

Advertisements

Your Letter, A Reply…

You sent me a story of your life few weeks ago. It was the time you wanted to be away from me. A six paged letter. I could not pass third page. I remember I was in the bus. I was worried about you. You did not wished me properly on my birthday and I was angry with you and sad about us. But the letter triggered my love, which was always there and I was dead worried. I called you. You acted like a cold heart.

Things are better now. You have come to your senses. We had a fight because I brought up the letter. You hanged up in anger. I started reading it again and I am in a pool of tears. I left you. I was selfish and I should have think of you. I wanted my freedom. I was suffocating with pressure from my family. I wanted an escape. But i promised to be with you, till I die. I failed you. I cannot imagine the pain I must have given you. I broke you. I broke your heart and soul. I am a sort of murderer. I know I am.

I just want you. Here, near me. I want to hold you close when I wake up at night. I am awake at unholy hours and I am scared if something happens to me, no one will know. I am on my own now. You had a rough childhood. I knew that. You craved for love. I had a lot to give. Because I was given a lot by my parents, grandmother and two aunts. I knew what love was. I wanted to heal you. I did not know much about your wounds but I wanted to soothe you. I wanted you to feel safe.

I love you. It is not a past-time for me. I do not love you because I want to use you. I love you because I need you in my life. I love you because I can be me around you.

This is part of your letter. You summed up what I felt about you. I have nothing more to add.

I met you five years ago. I fell for your beautiful face. I was proud to have you. I still am. You filled my heart with love. I know one thing for sure, if you are not with me I will never find peace within. You need a partner for life. Life would be meaningless if you don’t find one. I found you. I am home.”

Trying to find peace in this desert…

It is more than three months now but I have stopped counting days. I believe that leads to misery. It is snowing outside and today is Thanksgiving. I am alone and I cannot go out because it is too cold. I have lost my job and you are not near to give me solace. I should kill myself right?

NO. I am not going to. I am not going to be defeated or accept defeat. I am proud of you, you know. You were there for me when I don’t know what to do without my job. You explained my follies and my downs and You brought my positivity back on track. Yes, I know. Love can do wonders. There is sun now. Snow is melting slowly but it is still cold. Just like life.

There would be times where no hope is visible. We are lost in a world full of snow, without light but fog and coldness. But sun will come out eventually and we will be warm again. I have no doubt that you would come and warm my soul. I know the uncertainty makes you mad and you are mad with me for talking crap about positive life. I am here, so it is easy for me to preach, right?

It is not easy at all. To uproot from all I know and you I love. It is deadly. But in order to live our lives, I had to do that and I was selfish, yes. I am no Mother Theresa, yes. But my love for you is not fake and I am using every ounce of my energy to speak to the higher being in this world, it might be the universe or some positive energy that allows our dreams to come true.

Please believe in me. I want to play in snow with you. I want you to see what I see and I want to hold your hand and walk in streets with yellowed fallen leaves.

I want to fall in love with you, again and again.

I want to give everything, you ever dreamt of, not money but love and affection.

My soul belongs to you.

 

I love you so very much…

 

~ Dilly ~

10/10/2016

 

 

Existence of God….

Today is the 61st day of my isolation. As days passed, I have realized that I am losing my sanity. Yesterday I went to a job interview and I had to walk about 20 minutes and I talked to myself. Honestly I was talking to God, if he is out there. I am in serious doubt about his existence. You must be laughing at me because I was always the believer while you were not much of a believer and see now what has happened?

Usually, God gives me whatever I ask from him. I just have to tell him what is bothering me and when I asked him to sort it out for me, he did.m It was simple as that. And in return, I did various poojas for him and give alms to poor in his name and I thought it was a strong connection that we have.

I am here for 61 days and life sucks. But still I pray God and ask him to get you down but he is not even giving me a sign. I beg, wail, cry and beg again. I explained him how hard it is for me to live my life here, without you. It is that very fact that is important to understand. I can go miles looking for a job, I can not eat for days or cook, I can work til midnight but without you I cannot live.

You know my hair is becoming grey now. There are a lot. My life is not a spring time anymore. It is nearing its autumn. Yes, I am still in my 30’s, of course I just started to be in my 30’s, but day by day I am getting old. I am 31, 32, 33 and soon I will be 34 and then 40. Then?

If you are here, I know you are here and I can sleep peacefully at nights. Since I came here, I did not have a goodnight’s sleep. I sleep in pain. I dream of you most of the time and most dreams shows me my mental status. I am going to be insane. A old insane girl. Is God happy about it?

Why is he doing this to us? Why life cannot be more simple? I have doubts. All these days was I running after an imagination in my mind? Is there NO GOD?

I am beginning to hate him, for the pain he has caused me. He should be saving me, not making my life miserable.

Here I am, sitting in my apartment, looking at the road, it is 5.50pm and people are rushing home. When will I wait till you come from work? When will I be able to cook for you? When can I cuddle you and die in your arms? I am scared. I am very scared.

This life sucks….

 

The truth…

tumblr_nvq81s6nwF1u7ywh8o1_1280

I love you. I have never tired to love you or make you feel for me. I have always believed that we are meant to be together. After all these years, it has to be. I love you. Honestly and as long as I live. I know you love me madly too. Am I too hopeful here? (wink)

Too much of Patience…

God is always generous with me. You know that. I was lost and wondered like a lost soul and then I met you, you turned my life upside down for the better and you know how important you are to me. I want you to be positive. I love you and am faithful to you so are you and by God’s grace, I think we would not have to be sad about anything. I am you and you are me. We are meant to be together. You made me fell for you, not by magic but by pure belief that I would be drawn to you, can’t you remember?

So have faith but work towards what we want. We both know the way and you know I am there for you in your every step. To have something you want so badly, you have to fight like hell. I would, would you?

ae63a86e13fb2859ec97cd95821fb3fc

~ Dilly~

08/03/2016

Sorry is not enough…

Sometimes I act stupidly and then feel ashamed of the way I behaved. That is when you explained me that I was not in my best behavior. Then I feel sorry for you, for bearing up with me, later I feel angry with myself, for making you undergo such pains and then I feel like hiding in a tunnel or somewhere no one would come.

I think of only myself. It disgusts me. I say, I think of you more than me but really? I think of my pains and melancholia but not yours. You are the one, fighting a battle of your own, to be with me and love me. I should understand that.

From my childhood, I got all the love and care in the world and I never had to think how it would come or is it difficult o show affection at some scenarios. I was poured with love and that’s it. I never had to ask for love or beg or wait. Am I psychologically imbalanced, I don’t think so but I should not have behaved that way, making myself a burden to you.

Sorry is not enough…

 

~ Dilly ~

21/04/2014