I do not sleep well. I would either wake up whole night or sleep till the evening. My sleeping patterns made me a vampire, almost.
You are fast asleep now. It’s 1.30 in the morning for you. I live in your yesterday, it’s ironical isn’t it? Me coming seeking greener pastures when you showed me the path and the ditching me and bullshitting me that I miss you. What sort of a hypocrite I am. I am disgusted by myself. I seek pity from you, crying when you call me and all that. I am such an attention seeker, don’t you think so? A drama queen, as you always said. You are with me, out of habits and old habits die hard.
I am a fucked up. Why don’t you just leave me. You are far better off without me. I give you nothing to smile.
So let us not fight who love who the most. I miss you, so much. I know you miss me too, too much. I know you hate me for leaving. I have told you many times, reasons, but they are not good enough. That is why I asked yesterday whether you wanna try not talking again? I know it is a silly question but how many times we need to realize that it is inevitable that we keep falling back in love.
We are not together at the moment and I do not want to live away but can you please have some faith? It is not like I am living my life with another person. I seek you, I love you and I think of only you. These are not just words and you know that. You know me too well. You hated me for months? Were you happy? You were living a zombie life and I was too. Was it a good thing? No. We are in love and you will always end up loving me and I do not even try to be away from you, physically, yes. I am far away from you. It is fucking ridiculous but I want you to know this could work. I am not half the girl I am, if I am not with you.
My eyes are puffed and having a terrible headache. Reminds me I have a head but it’s too much. Result of early morning crying. Lips are cracked because of extreme weather. Sunny one day, the next minus 30. I have made myself clear about how I live and yet you blame me. Yes, I have left you. Not for someone else and you know I always think of you. But when I say that you accuse me, that I have lied to you, I feel I have cheated on you, when in real life I have never.
I read your letter to me, again and it breaks my heart. I am the monster who tore you. I made you inhuman, am I not? You deserve to be happy, to think of someone whom you can touch and kiss. Who I am, living 10000 miles away from you. A past mistake?
I don’t know what to say or how to explain things to you. I have fucked up my life. I love you, that’s all I know but you hate me, your words kill me every time and I wonder, is this the same person I met almost six years ago?
I wrote poems for you. Almost 3000. Can a person write 3000 poems to someone if they are not in love. It’s up to you to decide. I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. I hardly have any vices but I am the bitch that left you. Guilt overpowers me. I live with that. I hide in my room. I hardly see the sun. I work at night and sleep at days time. When I’m not working I wake up the whole night, like a vampire. I ruined you, I drank all your blood, destroyed your dreams, am I not?
I deserve this pain. I deserve this disrespect. I deserve this anger. I deserve death. But it will not come to me as I please. I will have a slow painful death.
I know I should write to you more often but you make me bloody mad. I know this whole long distance thing get on your nerves but you were supposed to love me forever, if you cannot recall. Love is not a bed of rosy petals and there has to be some sacrifices and patience, without ripping each other’s throats. Think of me, if you really love me. When I cry and wake up with a throbbing pain in my head, you know I have no one to ruffle my hair.
Snow is falling. Slowly. I stared outside the window. It is continuous. I keep looking. Now it falls faster than before. I sit in front of my laptop and listen to the moving vehicles outside. Soon everywhere would be surrounded.
You are like the snow. Slowly you come into my thoughts and soon I think of nothing but you. You are all over me. Sometimes I feel angry with you, for not caring, for not thinking about me. But I cannot hate you. I cannot stop loving you. I may not talk but I would never hate.
I wish you would read me. I am not a difficult read.
You are the whole reason I write. If I did not write, I would already be stuck in some unknown lunatic asylum saying your name. In the first few months, I thought I would, honest to God. Tears came out as I breathe. With every heartbeat I cried. I cried. I cried.
It was pure torture. Just like walking on sizzling hot coal, burning my feet. Have you ever felt like that?
I had to find a distraction. It is either drugs, alcohol or some other form of addiction. I chose something which would not harm myself or you. In short “US”. My fanfiction and reading it to you, wondering whether you liked it, those are my simple pleasures now. Do you know I cried from work to home yesterday? Did you ask how my day was? Did you ask how I was feeling? Why do you always think I am not the person I used to be. You, out of all people. I thought you knew me. Obviously. I want to come home. I am wasting my time, being alone, not thinking of any other but you. Did you at least respect that?
May be you are a narcissist and I did not see that all these years.
I am not going above you and dictating terms in our relationship but you tend to think so. It is 2.40am and I cannot sleep. We fight a lot. Almost everyday. You misunderstand me and I am over possessive. I hate that and you know it well. I want things to be easy but how can it be when you think I use you till I find a bigger and better catch. It disgusts me. You and me, we were together for almost six years now. I had to escape from the suffocation but that did not mean I have failed you. I am not gallivanting with another and I am definitely not enjoying my life here and I am taking one day at a time. I am torn but I will not suicide because if I do that, I will never see you. You hate me almost everyday. AlI can do is wait. Till you become you. Till you come to your senses.