Trying to find peace in this desert…

It is more than three months now but I have stopped counting days. I believe that leads to misery. It is snowing outside and today is Thanksgiving. I am alone and I cannot go out because it is too cold. I have lost my job and you are not near to give me solace. I should kill myself right?

NO. I am not going to. I am not going to be defeated or accept defeat. I am proud of you, you know. You were there for me when I don’t know what to do without my job. You explained my follies and my downs and You brought my positivity back on track. Yes, I know. Love can do wonders. There is sun now. Snow is melting slowly but it is still cold. Just like life.

There would be times where no hope is visible. We are lost in a world full of snow, without light but fog and coldness. But sun will come out eventually and we will be warm again. I have no doubt that you would come and warm my soul. I know the uncertainty makes you mad and you are mad with me for talking crap about positive life. I am here, so it is easy for me to preach, right?

It is not easy at all. To uproot from all I know and you I love. It is deadly. But in order to live our lives, I had to do that and I was selfish, yes. I am no Mother Theresa, yes. But my love for you is not fake and I am using every ounce of my energy to speak to the higher being in this world, it might be the universe or some positive energy that allows our dreams to come true.

Please believe in me. I want to play in snow with you. I want you to see what I see and I want to hold your hand and walk in streets with yellowed fallen leaves.

I want to fall in love with you, again and again.

I want to give everything, you ever dreamt of, not money but love and affection.

My soul belongs to you.

 

I love you so very much…

 

~ Dilly ~

10/10/2016

 

 

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19th and far…(71 days away)

Today is a 19th. But for you it is 20th. We cannot celebrate our anniversary together even. You know I celebrate every 19th. What is the point of this life really?

~Dilly~

19/09/2016

Coldheart…

I think the last day you actually cared about me was the day after I landed which was the day I was finally able to call you. I felt love in your voice. That was the end of it. You slowly killed your love and started enjoying my suffering. It does not matter if I am run over by a vehicle or if I slip and broke my neck or if I cry til my eyes pop out. You have closed your heart to me. Nothing matters. Not my pain or my tears. Not my poetry or my emotions. You have shut all doors and windows and kicked me out. I keep trying to break in. But I have lost a lot of blood. I am still fighting. I am still trying. I am very tired of many sleepless nights. I have become a creature of night.

Not that it matters…

I waited til the last second so I can be with you. I did not plan or search anything. Just jump into unknown. But that is okay.

Talking to strangers is not my thing because the next time I tell you that you would jump to me. I walk alone, observing everything. I don’t want to ruin your life or mess it up.

 I truly love you. Just wanted to remind you that. Not that it matters to anyone. And yet you say you have no one.
~ Dilly~

19/08/2016

I am NOT Mine…

This is what gets me going. When I wanted to give up or kill myself at times. It is a reminder that I am not mine.
~ Dilly~

10/08/2016

Music to my ears…

When I am typing these love letters I can hear someone is playing a piano far corner of the library. It soothes my mind. I want you to see what I see. Till then there is no rest for me. I love you. I believe in not God but the power of Love. I live for you. I love you. I had no breakfast or lunch. Just some milk in the morning and two enery bars. But I am not hungry. When I think of you, my mind is become energetic. Love can move mountains, they say. Let us be positive and hopeful. Let love guide us and save us.
~ Dilly~

08/08/2016

Awakening…

I blasted you. For no reason and I am sorry. I have lot going on. Of course it was my choice to come and you have all the reasons to blame me and baby, I am so sorry. But you know what, I have decided to stop nagging. I have decided to stop blaming you. I have decided to be the positive person I used to be.

I love you and it is of course is universally acknowledged now. You love me too. Although you don’t say it out loud. I know you do. But you know I am insecure and being on my own makes me pretty depressed. I love you. I must have told you that more than a trillion times and it is not enough. I love you and want to be with you.

Of course, when you are around me I took you for granted. I should not have but I involuntarily did and I am sorry for that. Today I went to a shopping mall to give away my resumes and I met a very old lady. She was using a walker and she had an oxygen valve inside her nose. It was pretty easy to see she was struggling to live. But as it turned out she was not at all depressed like me and thanking everyday that she is alive. She said she does not entertain negative people or thoughts if she can help it and if she turn back in retrospect, there is not a thing that she would change in her life. 

I felt ashamed of myself. I have my health, I have you and your love. Why am I complaining. Then I realized it is because you are not near me and all the time I feel so much  of guilt for leaving you behind. I did not want to leave you. But in order for us to be together, some one has to make a move and I know we will be together. Don’t ask me how or when. I told you I would go before you and here I am. I did not know it then. I do not know it now. But I just know. I am at the library now. They have free wifi. But it will be close in one and half hours. So I am going to be here and write to you as much as possible.

Love has proved to be a force. A power that can create unbelievable miracles. You have to have faith. You have to have it. You have to trust me. I have promised you that I will never let you be alone. I want to die near you. I want to hold you to my heart when I die. Of course you have to die after me. I cannot go through the pain of loosing you. Since I have no sight of you for the time being, it has made temperorily insane. You are like the butter to my bread. The apple of my eyes. Without I cannot live a single second.

Love me. Show your love. Support me. Celebrate our love. We are still alive and in love. I have no eyes for another. I need you not just to make love, which I fail to fulfill everytime but hold and touch and to kiss a lot. And to feel your warmth. I can only dream of them now but all my dreams came true and out of all you are the Best.

I love you my baby. Be with me?

~ Dakshi~

08/08/2016