Read ME…

Snow is falling. Slowly. I stared outside the window. It is continuous. I keep looking. Now it falls faster than before. I sit in front of my laptop and listen to the moving vehicles outside. Soon everywhere would be surrounded.

You are like the snow. Slowly you come into my thoughts and soon I think of nothing but you. You are all over me. Sometimes I feel angry with you, for not caring, for not thinking about me. But I cannot hate you. I cannot stop loving you. I may not talk but I would never hate.

I wish you would read me. I am not a difficult read.

 

18/02/2017

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Open your eyes…

I should write to you more rather than poetry.

What do you think?

It matters, of course it matters.

You are the whole reason I write. If I did not write, I would already be stuck in some unknown lunatic asylum saying your name. In the first few months, I thought I would, honest to God. Tears came out as I breathe. With every heartbeat I cried. I cried. I cried.

It was pure torture. Just like walking on sizzling hot coal, burning my feet. Have you ever felt like that?

I had to find a distraction. It is either drugs, alcohol or some other form of addiction. I chose something which would not harm myself or you. In short “US”. My fanfiction and reading it to you, wondering whether you liked it, those are my simple pleasures now. Do you know I cried from work to home yesterday? Did you ask how my day was? Did you ask how I was feeling? Why do you always think I am not the person I used to be. You, out of all people. I thought you knew me. Obviously. I want to come home. I am wasting my time, being alone, not thinking of any other but you. Did you at least respect that?

May be you are a narcissist and I did not see that all these years.

 

18/02/2017

Your Letter, A Reply…

You sent me a story of your life few weeks ago. It was the time you wanted to be away from me. A six paged letter. I could not pass third page. I remember I was in the bus. I was worried about you. You did not wished me properly on my birthday and I was angry with you and sad about us. But the letter triggered my love, which was always there and I was dead worried. I called you. You acted like a cold heart.

Things are better now. You have come to your senses. We had a fight because I brought up the letter. You hanged up in anger. I started reading it again and I am in a pool of tears. I left you. I was selfish and I should have think of you. I wanted my freedom. I was suffocating with pressure from my family. I wanted an escape. But i promised to be with you, till I die. I failed you. I cannot imagine the pain I must have given you. I broke you. I broke your heart and soul. I am a sort of murderer. I know I am.

I just want you. Here, near me. I want to hold you close when I wake up at night. I am awake at unholy hours and I am scared if something happens to me, no one will know. I am on my own now. You had a rough childhood. I knew that. You craved for love. I had a lot to give. Because I was given a lot by my parents, grandmother and two aunts. I knew what love was. I wanted to heal you. I did not know much about your wounds but I wanted to soothe you. I wanted you to feel safe.

I love you. It is not a past-time for me. I do not love you because I want to use you. I love you because I need you in my life. I love you because I can be me around you.

This is part of your letter. You summed up what I felt about you. I have nothing more to add.

I met you five years ago. I fell for your beautiful face. I was proud to have you. I still am. You filled my heart with love. I know one thing for sure, if you are not with me I will never find peace within. You need a partner for life. Life would be meaningless if you don’t find one. I found you. I am home.”

After months…

I know I have not written any letters in months. You started hating me. I could not take it anymore. I lied low. Just trying to shut my memories and constantly wiping my tears. I loved you. I still do. I have this ache in my heart that don’t really go away. I need you. It is not only physical but I need you here. Near me. Where I can see you and feel you.
I want to have you whenever I want. I want to kiss you. I want to do all goofy things with you because you are mine. My baby you are. I need your warmth and love. I need your soul to mingle with mine. I need you,want you. You are my life line.
Always have,always will be.
I love you baby…❤❤❤
04/02/2017

Trying to find peace in this desert…

It is more than three months now but I have stopped counting days. I believe that leads to misery. It is snowing outside and today is Thanksgiving. I am alone and I cannot go out because it is too cold. I have lost my job and you are not near to give me solace. I should kill myself right?

NO. I am not going to. I am not going to be defeated or accept defeat. I am proud of you, you know. You were there for me when I don’t know what to do without my job. You explained my follies and my downs and You brought my positivity back on track. Yes, I know. Love can do wonders. There is sun now. Snow is melting slowly but it is still cold. Just like life.

There would be times where no hope is visible. We are lost in a world full of snow, without light but fog and coldness. But sun will come out eventually and we will be warm again. I have no doubt that you would come and warm my soul. I know the uncertainty makes you mad and you are mad with me for talking crap about positive life. I am here, so it is easy for me to preach, right?

It is not easy at all. To uproot from all I know and you I love. It is deadly. But in order to live our lives, I had to do that and I was selfish, yes. I am no Mother Theresa, yes. But my love for you is not fake and I am using every ounce of my energy to speak to the higher being in this world, it might be the universe or some positive energy that allows our dreams to come true.

Please believe in me. I want to play in snow with you. I want you to see what I see and I want to hold your hand and walk in streets with yellowed fallen leaves.

I want to fall in love with you, again and again.

I want to give everything, you ever dreamt of, not money but love and affection.

My soul belongs to you.

 

I love you so very much…

 

~ Dilly ~

10/10/2016

 

 

19th and far…(71 days away)

Today is a 19th. But for you it is 20th. We cannot celebrate our anniversary together even. You know I celebrate every 19th. What is the point of this life really?

~Dilly~

19/09/2016

Suffocation…

Its been 70 days. There is a hole inside my heart and it makes me hard to breathe.
~Dilly~

18/09/2016