I love you, Poet…

I know you hate me but I want you to know this. I have never forgotten anything. Nothing’s forgotten, nothing’s ever forgotten, as long as I live. I remember you used to love me poetry. You were my inspiration. You commented once “ I love you, Poet.” I changed it to “ I love your poetry.” because I was not sure what was that, at that time and how silly I used to be. You read all my poetry, not merely liking them like a stranger, you commented on them. That was before you conquer my heart. What happened after?

Day by day, you were bitter and you stopped treating me like a special person. I used to be treated like a rose petal, so delicate. It was how you used to love me. You hated my tears. You wanted to make me happy. You made me happy but little by little you gave me lots of pains.

But you were my unborn child. I had that much of love for you. I still do, i guess that is why I can never give up on you. You are my baby. My life. My world. It would never change as long as I live. You don’t seem to see that.

For you it’s “ Out of sight, out of mind”, is it the case?

I am wrecked. I want you to know, because of you I am a wrecked soul now.

 

11/03/2017

Melting…

Your mind starts to wonder. You absolutely hate this because you know for a fact how this would end up. Yet you lie down on your bed, closing your eyes. You think about the thin line between love and resentment. Do you hate X? You can never. You know for a fact that X is not patient enough like you, always wants you around, with your pampering and loving ways and your unconditional love.

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You mind is running back and forth bringing back memories and you remember you promised X never to leave. This is different, you try to argue. “I have not left X for another person, it’s just temporary and I am always faithful”. You tell yourself. You know it’s not a lie but the promise sound hollow to your ears and you feel guilty.

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You remember how X used to kiss you and your expressions change. You blink hard. You feel all those feelings you tried to subside.coming to get you just like a hurricane. And you feel moist in your eyes. You are melting down. You start to cry and there is a huge empty space in your heart, it’s so huge you feel you are not the person whom you used to be. You look around, not a single soul, not even a bird song. You dialled X’s number and wonder you are blocked by X. No answer. You are in agony.

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You realize you have to face all the fucked up things on your life and figure out.

You are in this on your own.
10/03/2017

Fucked up Memories…

You try to wake up. But your body is stubborn so is your mind. You decide to sleep in. your mind has gone numb and shut all the doors. You sleep all day. You try to think, some thought, any thought, but you cannot. You wonder whether these are symptoms of insanity. You try to remember what happened last night.
It is not the first time. Your mind tells you. Finally some thought, you feel relieved. You remember how many times your heart was broken. You remember all the tears and excruciating pain. You wonder, why do you not feeling anything this time.
You go to work. At work, people talk, you do not hear. They look at you with surprised looks. You excuse yourself and try to recollect your scattered thoughts. You look at your hand, where there was a ring, from the person whom you are not supposed to think anymore. (You decide to call that person as X.) you wonder whether X is happy now. You wonder is this what X wanted. You wonder whether X loved you for real, then you remember all those loving gestures.
Those are no recent memories, your mind has a point. All were memories of once upon a time. You try to recall when did X said “I love you”. You cannot recall. You always say that. You wonder whether X misses you. How easy to fight together rather than leaving the other half and act as a heartless brute. But you never made the choice.
It was what X wanted.

 

10/03/2017

A Coldheart…

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=cGTU7XlGWEQ

Having someone to love is the best thing in the world. But when they leave you, without explanations, ripping your heart and leaving you to bleed,blaming you for things you have not even imagined and accusing you for being inconsiderate and brand you as a deceitful liar, how would you pick yourself up?

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You are all alone, and literally cold both inside and out and all you can hear is the deafening silence. You feel numb, you feel your brain is refusing to function and you sigh, trying to figure out what you should do. How would you go on?

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You have grown accustomed to this person, it’s like an old habit hard to break. You want to scream and do some messed up things, you want to get high and throw yourself in front of a moving vehicle. You are confused. `

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All you wanted to feel was those fluttering butterflies, all you wanted was to have someone to love, to hold, to love and be loved, to be someone’s waking dream.

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You think, but no thoughts come to your mind. You just stare at the empty space and wonder where are those tears you wanna shed. You have officially become a COLDHEART.
10/03/2017

I might be a Vampire…

I do not sleep well. I would either wake up whole night or sleep till the evening. My sleeping patterns made me a vampire, almost.

You are fast asleep now. It’s 1.30 in the morning for you. I live in your yesterday, it’s ironical isn’t it? Me coming seeking greener pastures when you showed me the path and the ditching me and bullshitting me that I miss you. What sort of a hypocrite I am. I am disgusted by myself. I seek pity from you, crying when you call me and all that. I am such an attention seeker, don’t you think so? A drama queen, as you always said. You are with me, out of habits and old habits die hard.

I am a fucked up. Why don’t you just leave me. You are far better off without me. I give you nothing to smile.

 

 

03/03/2017

Will you be Happy?

My eyes are puffed and having a terrible headache. Reminds me I have a head but it’s too much. Result of early morning crying. Lips are cracked because of extreme weather. Sunny one day, the next minus 30. I have made myself clear about how I live and yet you blame me. Yes, I have left you. Not for someone else and you know I always think of you. But when I say that you accuse me, that I have lied to you, I feel I have cheated on you, when in real life I have never.

I read your letter to me, again and it breaks my heart. I am the monster who tore you. I made you inhuman, am I not? You deserve to be happy, to think of someone whom you can touch and kiss. Who I am, living 10000 miles away from you. A past mistake?

I don’t know what to say or how to explain things to you. I have fucked up my life. I love you, that’s all I know but you hate me, your words kill me every time and I wonder, is this the same person I met almost six years ago?

I wrote poems for you. Almost 3000. Can a person write 3000 poems to someone if they are not in love. It’s up to you to decide. I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. I hardly have any vices but I am the bitch that left you. Guilt overpowers me. I live with that. I hide in my room. I hardly see the sun. I work at night and sleep at days time. When I’m not working I wake up the whole night, like a vampire. I ruined you, I drank all your blood, destroyed your dreams, am I not?

I deserve this pain. I deserve this disrespect. I deserve this anger. I deserve death. But it will not come to me as I please. I will have a slow painful death.

Will you be happy?

 

25/02/2017

Think about it…

I know I should write to you more often but you make me bloody mad. I know this whole long distance thing get on your nerves but you were supposed to love me forever, if you cannot recall. Love is not a bed of rosy petals and there has to be some sacrifices and patience, without ripping each other’s throats. Think of me, if you really love me. When I cry and wake up with a throbbing pain in my head, you know I have no one to ruffle my hair.

Think about it next time you hurt me.

 

 

 

24/02/2017